The Spaniards conquered the Inca Empire so ridiculously fast because the Incas were trying so hard to make each other their prison bitches that they forgot to fight against the European assholes.

But, there was a group of four llamashit crazy badasses Incas that were not going to take shit from Spain’s unwanted offsprings.  Manco Inca and other three sons of the Mighty Sun God were going to show that if you are going to mess with the most powerful empire South America has to offer, blood must be shed from both sides.

So, they did it.

The Spanish named Manco Inca as a successor, but to make him their puppet ruler. Huge ass mistake! While Manco Inca was being recognized by the different members of the royal family and doing a great job making believe the conquistadores that he was being a good boy, he was actually planning how to fuck them up big time.

His first move was to reorganize the army, for that he contacted curacas from different ends of the Inca Empire. Later, he sent one of his brothers with Diego de Almagro to Chile to get him some new pet rocks and a cheeseburger. By doing that, he would avoid a new civil war and lessen the military power of the Spaniards. Those pricks.

In April of 1536, Manco started his plan. He fooled the Spaniards by telling he was going to get a life-size golden statue for Hernando Pizzaro and going to hunt down some vicunas. The golden life-size statue was bullshit, obviously, but the hunting was actually part of a ritual before military engagements.

Yeah. Killing vicunas and doing rituals was the ancient way of saying: “It’s on, bitch!”

After some days passed by, the Spanish were told that some Incas were crowded in Yucay. They smelled something shitty was being cook, so they sent some soldiers over there.  Turns out that Manco Inca gathered ten thousands men whom destroyed the spanish soldiers by breaking their bones with gigantic stones and pure testosterone.

In the last days of April or first days of May, depending on which hobo do you ask, the siege of Cuzco took place. Manco increased his fighting force to two hundred thousand soldiers ready to die for him and avenge their families.

The Fortress of Sacsaihuaman was one of the prominent theaters of this early endeavor of revolution. Juan Pizarro died Goaliath-style by a headshot with a rock from a Peruvian david. That’s badass. After six days of jaw-braking hand-to-hand combat, the fortress was taking by the conquistadores. The Incas had a great amount of casualties, including Cahuide, who was the living definition of badass motherfucker.

At the same time Cuzco was being attacked, Manco Inca organized another siege in Lima to prevent Francisco Pizarro to send reinforcements. Pizarro at that point sent an expedition to Cuzco through Pisco.  Near Pamapas River they crossed paths with the Incas, and a battle started. The losers were the Spaniards that got their souls banana raped by the crazy amounts of testosterone the natives carried to the fight.

Then, the Incas continued their bloody trip until Parcos, where they met more Cervantes’ homies. Well, the Incas dominated the battlefield again. Another group of Spaniards was met in Agoyacu. They died, too. After killing Spaniards two more times, the route through Mantaro was open and ready to take the Incas to Lima.

In September 5th of 1536 Quizo Yupanqui took the Inca army to Lima, while defeating the Spaniards in Mama, Huarco, Mala, Chancay and Ate. Pedro de Lerma led the Spanish and tried to stop the Inca fighting behemoth-looking native army, but Yupanqui took place in the mountains surrounding Lima and went to finish the siege.  Sadly, the Incas were defeated by the Spanish with the help of other natives.

In Cuzco, the siege lasted nine months before Almagro’s men returned from Chile, seeing that Manco retreated to Vilcabamba. Later on, in 1541 Vasco de Guevara achieved a peaceful agreement with the highly heated region.

Although this first try of rebellion against the Spaniards failed, it was a free sample of the ass-kicking power the Incas had. Later, several great men will come and finish the job Manco Inca and his men started in 1536.