To be the witness of your dad’s murder by seven strangers gives you a massive trauma that will make you become a pussy that needs years of counseling with your fancy psychiatrist or a crime-fighting ninja superhero like Batman seeking  bloody revenge*.  Enter Titu Fucking Cusi Yupanqui. Tits for the fellas.

Years after watching this horrible scene that will make anybody shit its pants, he became a brainy chronicler and preserved his dad’s last words: “Don’t let them fool you with their sweet words, they are all lies, and if you believe in them, they will betray you like they have done it with me.”

Well, this turned out to be true. The seven Spaniards that murdered his dad were decapitated and exhibited as messed up creepy warning signs.

But first, we need some background to fill the gap between Manco Inca and our homeboy Titu.

Manco Inca was succeeded by his son Sayri Tupac. He got along pretty well with the Spaniards, tho. No hard feelings with this guy.  Sayri Tupac was invited in one occasion to Cusco to meet his uncle, Paullu, and the viceroy for a couple of beers, hotdogs and to stare at girls with awesome lower back problems. Unexpectedly, Death had to be a jerk a ruin the party for everyone by killing Sayri’s uncle. That ill-timed douche. So that did not happen.

Later in 1557, the Prince of Spain decided to hang out with the viceroy and Sayri Tupac in Cuzco after telling Sayri that he was pardoned by the Spanish crown.  Manco’s son decided he needed some guy time after several stressful weeks at the office and went to have a talk with these dudes about booze, sports, and, of course,  girls with epic lower back problems, bro!

Girl with an awesome lower back problem. You are welcome

Everything was going well in the capital of the former Inca Empire, Cuzco for the n00bz. Sayri Tupac converted to Catholicism, got married with Pope’s exclusive dispensation, and got super cool gifts by the Viceroy Francisco de Toledo, that beloved royal jackass. But, then Death stroke again and he suddenly died in 1561. The next in line was Titu Cusi Yupanqui, he like his father was not a fanboy of the Spaniards.

Yupanqui wore the mascaypacha, as “Sapa Inca”, in Vilcambamba and immediately told the Spanish to fuck off and go away.

He used guerrilla warfare which is the most badass motherfucking tactic ever against the conquistadores and his men in the south east of Peru.  Yupanqui attacked the encomiendas from Apurimac and Urabamba using the old hit-and-run. Later, he gave the lands, originally owned, back to the Curacas, by doing that, he gained their hearts, trust and probably some sweet booty. Titu Cusi Yupanqui was the only one since Huascar Inca Yupanqui and Atahualpa to unite the different people that were former enemies to recover the famous Inca Empire from those foreign dirty hands.

Yupanqui chose the year 1567 for his Taquiy Fucking Onqoy (General Fucking Insurrection). But, the European asshats have already occupied different strategic places in the Viceroy of Peru. Then they used different brutal ways of annihilation and destruction that caused the Incas to lose all motivation and their moral so the campaign failed before it started. Shit!

Later in the first part of 1571 and after a heated confrontation with the Augustinian Fr. Diego de Ortiz, Yupanqui got sick and die. (There’s a lesson here. Shit happens and then you die.) The incas of the region blamed the Father and the Chronicler Martin de Pando for poisoning Yupanqui and were gang-banged and bloody lynched by the population.  (Again, shit happens and then you die).

Even if the campaign never started and he got quite a few wins, you have to admire the massive adamantium balls of Titu Cusi Yupanqui showed that day and said “Let’s fuck some shit up!”. To give you a perspective this was like Gohan after watching his dad die went to fight, with some kindergarten friends, armies of saiyan warriors, the Ginyu Force, Vegeta, and Friezza in less than 5 episodes being a fucking kid.

Go ahead, steal his candy.

The successor of TItu Cusi Yupanqui was Tupac Amaru I, the last of the Vilcabamba’s Incas and of the Inca Empire to go balls-out and  fight against the Spanish crown.

You experience may vary*